Just shy of 30 years, I have had to navigate the waters of adversity many times – the death of a parent, loss of a job, they stopped making Dunkaroos. Trying times. But there has been a period of my life that undoubtedly throttled me into a parallel universe that I NEVER thought I’d ever want to be a part of – the world of wedding planning.
The minute the hangover wore off from getting smashed on a combination of dirty martinis and champagne after my now husband got on his knee the night prior, I knew I was not set up for success in the planning of a matrimonial ceremony department. Sure, as a woman in marketing I knew my way around a proper event planning strategy. But one revolving around a white dress? Absolutely not my area of expertise.
I remember when I told my mother what I’d like my ‘special’ day to include: No veil, fabulous designer stilettos, and a lot of chili hot dogs. I’m a classy lady. And sure, who doesn’t want a day where everything is about them and to make their friends hold up your dress in a bathroom so you can pee? But there is no way in hell that I ever was among the doe-eyed ditzes who claimed to have been planning their wedding since owning their first Barbie and Ken dolls. Nor was I among the fools who went to college simply for an MRS degree. That’s A LOT of money to spend on tuition just to fake orgasms on the regular.
All of that aside, I’ve already written on the ups and downs of marriage. This is about the SPECIFIC planning portion of the wedding that made me want to elope if it were not for my wonderful wedding planner Lisa Gebhardt of LG Event Design. Her beauty and professionalism were much appreciated when I would be deprived of a proper lunch simply to pick out what the plates would look like that guests I’d barely have time to converse with would shovel food into their mouths from. No one cares about the plates.
So, as these were the kind of write-ups that kept me slightly sane during the year and three months leading up to the day I willingly agreed to have sex with one person until death, here are wedding planning trends that I abhor and should be run over by a street cleaner:
- The idea of something being ‘novel’ in the history of weddings. Do you know how many weddings there are on average, especially now that ‘wedding season’ is all fucking year? There’s a reason why this industry rakes in the cash. Nothing you have the idea to do hasn’t been done before. Period. You are not the Columbus of wedding crap. Wait. You know what? You are the Columbus of wedding crap. Because he didn’t really discover America first. Your stupid sign isn’t going to make anyone love being at your event any more than they can physically stand. Speaking of signs…
- Random signs with conflicting fonts that say stupid things about love that you truly won’t use again. What a waste of money. You know how many people care about those signs? One. You. Your fiancé could give a fart less that it’s his ‘last chance to run!’. I care about two signs, and two signs only: Where I’m sitting to stuff my face and where the booze is because if it’s not an open bar, kill yourself.
- Mason jars for any reason. * clenches fist * exaggerated sigh * * exasperated head tilt back * *loud scream * No.
- ‘Naked’ cakes. The flying fuck. The frosting is 90% the reason why a cake is good or bad. WHY are you depriving guests of frosting, you ANIMAL?
- Outdoor wedding ceremonies during cold weather seasons in Michigan. WHY have I been to more than three of these?
- Outdoor wedding ceremonies during hot weather seasons in climates where that’s miserable: No worries! I wanted to have my cleavage feel like the Rio Grand of sweat is surging through just to pool in my underwear. Sexy.
- Flower selection. I do not care, Casey. I DO NOT CARE. I wish I could care. But, I just can’t.
- Wedding dress selection. Okay. Quick side rant away from the regular rant. Everyone makes this out to be the BEST part of the wedding planning process. I CALL SHENANIGANS. First of all, Dear Wedding Industry, Maybe put more women of color in your wedding dress ads. Other people besides Hayley Paige look-alikes are walking down the aisle, assholes. In fact, Meghan Markle, why don’t you make some sort of royal decree that makes it so ONLY women of color are advertised in wedding dresses so that white girls have to REALLY IMAGINE what the dress would look like on them in every bridal magazine. Also, if you didn’t feel bad enough about your body before, even if you think you’re overweight outwardly, average weight internally, but are really below average weight range actually, bridal gown sample sizes will make you feel like a whale that shouldn’t have been eating anything leading up to that moment.
- Pouring colored sand as a substitute for a unity candle. Remember Squand? Probably not – another casualty of the 90s that was a popular prize on the Nickelodeon game show Legends of the Hidden Temple. That’s what that looks like; stupid and horribly unnecessary to keep.
- Wedding parties resembling 19 Kids and Counting. How absurdly obnoxious of you to think that everyone believes you have THAT many close girlfriends/guy friends. It looks like you founded a small cult or asked EVERYONE you laid eyes on drunk at a bar to stand up at your wedding.
- Full-on tiaras. Oh, are you becoming a member of the British royal family? Is it junior prom? Stop it.
- Small children attending or participating. Nothing says happily ever after like a screaming toddler with hands covered in peanut butter.
- Five-year long guest of honor speeches. Since Mrs. McGee got me into public speaking competitions when I was in the 7th grade, I’ve learned that you should speak clearly, with intent, and within a certain time frame. I have never let a self-indulgent speech go past 90 seconds. Our best man and maids of honor were absolutely impeccable with content and time. You are what’s between everyone and food. Take that into consideration and don’t fuck it up.
With that being said, I know many will think that I typed this with my pinky and nose way up in the air, but that’s simply not true. One of my favorite wedding attendance experiences included doing Jell-O shots with cousins while an inebriated guest was frantically trying to escape from the tricked-out latrine during the ceremony. I got to dance with my father that night and happened to wear a cream sweater so as far as I’m concerned, that could have been the night we got married.
The crucial thing is to remember the day is all about you and what you want, crappy cake sans frosting and all if you should so choose. Just do whatever your little heart desires because, at the end of the day, no one cares. And that is a beautiful as any sentiment to end on.
Important Note* Our wedding was extremely beautiful and everything we could hope for and we are super fortunate to have worked with the amazing vendors, family, and friends to make all of the planning worth it PLUS chili hot dogs.
Catherine is a native Detroiter currently residing in Washington D.C. She has seven years of experience in digital marketing strategy and communications. She enjoys the occasional Pop Tart and shamelessly eats breakfast burritos on weekday mornings. Catherine is certified in Google AdWords, SEO, content marketing, social media, and sarcasm. Catherine is also partial to dresses and skirts over pants and has been mistaken for many daytime cable show actresses.