As everyone knows, I’m a big fan of delicious things I can put in my mouth, masticate, then swallow. I proudly consider myself a Foodess, which is a ‘food goddess’. Any asshole can take pictures of semi well-plated food and call themselves a foodie. I’m talking about a REAL appreciation which includes a solid understanding of what is worth the calories – put that Lil’ Debbie cake down, Cassie. That shit is gross and we live in D.C. where there are hundreds of legit bakeries and ‘gets the job done’ wannabes such as Au Bon Pain. Have some self-respect.
I worship a perfectly made croissant because that shit takes more than 24 hours to make. I also know my way around a kitchen and have fashioned my own Michelin star our of tinfoil and part of an Amazon box that I placed in my own cooking studio which I fondly refer to as Kitty’s Kitchen. Sure, sex is great. But have you tasted anything topped with brown butter? It’s magical with a guaranteed orgasm and you do NOT have to cuddle with it afterward.
But as I can appreciate a full spectrum of foods without being a pretentious cow, I also know that there is enough garbage around me that people INSIST to brag about eating more than five times a week and it’s absolutely infuriating. I’m talking the basic bitches of restaurants which no one has any real business being in love with because it just proves they should be on their hands and knees baaaahing like a sheep. So here I am to the rescue to make sure you never find yourself among the bros and basic hoes of eating with the most overrated restaurants.
- Chipotle. What in god’s name makes ANYONE think this trash is worth putting in a dating profile under ‘likes’? Does anyone know how easy it is to MAKE a fucking burrito? It’s not hard and don’t even try to tell me it’s different when someone else makes it because refried beans taste the same from the can as they do at Taco Bell. People seem to love this mess and forget that we live in a place where Mexican and Tex Mex restaurants are a plenty and have the one thing that should always go with guacamole: Margaritas. It’s a sin to eat pico de gallo and not be able to get sufficiently intoxicated off tequila in my book. Everyone was ENTIRELY too forgiving after that E. coli outbreak and they STILL don’t have a handle on health issues. And I don’t care that there are options to be low cal. What you’re eating is a taco salad and they’ve been around since the freakin’ 60s. It’s so basic it’s pathetic AND shows a lack of support for the Hispanic community who knows how to serve up delicious fanfare so in essence, you’re racist when you go to Chipotle.
- District Taco. I know it seems like this rant is slanting towards Mexican food but District Taco sucks. And yet, people worship it. It’s so bland that not even queso redeems their sad and soggy corn meat holders they call tacos. And even if you try to go the quesadilla route, they don’t evenly spread enough cheese to have a satisfying cheese + tortilla experience. Wanna dip that dilla in something to make it edible? Forget it. Their salsa bar always looks like a 10-year-old ransacked the area with Hot Habanero spilling into Mild Mucho. It’s a disgrace.
- Jimmy John’s. Fuck Jimmy John’s. One time, I was picked up after a wonderful time downing Micheladas with a friend, was driven past Jimmy John’s, opened the window, stuck my face out and screamed, “Screw YOU, Jimmy John’s and your lack of toasted sandwiches!” They HAVE an oven since they boast about baking their own damn bread which EVERY chain sandwich shop does and they won’t even toast your sandwich upon request. FINE. I’ll take my happy ass over to Potbelly’s.
- Nice-ish restaurants that have TVs playing different sports things. I get the lure of a sports bar to a ridiculously average and mostly unattractive group of men 19 – 50, but if I wanted a book for a menu and ten different appetizers with Buffalo sauce, I’d shamelessly go to Buffalo Wild Wings that doesn’t pretend to be anything but what it is.
- Ben’s Chili Bowl. Sure, it gets the job done when I need a chili hot dog in my life immediately. But is it Coney? No. And it never will be.
- Any trendy bibimbap place. It’s rice and veggies in a bowl with chicken or beef. You can literally get that at ANY Asian restaurant or food truck. Purple rice is nothing to get giddy over, you moron. It’s so pedestrian that the Wikipedia page for bibimbap stresses how ‘anglicized’ it is in the first sentence. Good job, white people!
- Chop’t. Welcome to D.C. You can literally go ANYWHERE within a five-block radius to get a designer salad, yet, people insist to stand in a never-ending line to order something that has MAYBE three random ingredients with what seems like bottom of the barrel crinkle lettuce no one wants. The amount of green is ill-proportioned to the cornucopia of crap they put on top of it trying to make it worth the $15 dollars. And their dressings are a who’s who of shitty ingredients. ‘Creative Salad Co.’? I think NOT. Your Cape Cod Shrimp Roll salad has OYSTER CRACKERS in it. Wow. The creativity to mimic what your child does with their food is astounding.
- Five Guys. I’m sorry, did you forget Shake Shack exists? Oh, are their delicious burgers too small for you? Get on the treadmill, fatty! And take those stupid fresh cut fries that are only good enough for ranch hands with you. I simply cannot stress enough how many designer burger places there are in the D.C. area. If you’re craving a milkshake, you are beyond covered since the majority of them do boozey milkshake cocktails which is the best thing that ever happened to anyone. And if someone really doesn’t want a beef patty, turkey patty, or vegetarian patty, they are MORE than welcome to have a sushi grade tuna steak medium or medium rare because WHY WOULDN’T they have that? Why anyone would go to Five Guys is bonkers.
- Paul’s. Is it really that iconic? During the summer for no reason, they turn the back half of the restaurant into a beach party with real sand. That’s all you need to know. Go elsewhere for a raw bar – we live on the Chesapeake, you animal.
So there you have it. I cannot write any more about places that are a Cat turnoff because I’d like to eat lunch today. Go forth and be a better eater. You’re welcome.
Catherine is a native Detroiter currently residing in Washington D.C. She has seven years of experience in digital marketing strategy and communications. She enjoys the occasional Pop Tart and shamelessly eats breakfast burritos on weekday mornings. Catherine is certified in Google AdWords, SEO, content marketing, social media, and sarcasm. Catherine is also partial to dresses and skirts over pants and has been mistaken for many daytime cable show actresses.