Watch This, Not That

Welcome to the Bronze Age of the small screen, where bingeable nonsense will only cost you $9.99 at a minimum, and owning an actual television is optional. I must confess, that as much as I love utilizing my Drunk Reading Room, which is used for exactly what’s in its title, getting into a ridiculously good series that caters to all the crazy aspects of my psyche is good for the shriveled version of a soul I have.

But let’s first delve into the facts on the main genre of crap tv that is acceptable to serve as background noise. There are a bunch of craptastic reality shows that have a sole purpose to rot the inside of women’s brains. Stop watching them immediately. No one cares about the Bachelor – it’s literally the same white guy every time and all the Beckys you loathe trying to get his attention. It’s everything you hate about dating a mediocre asshole and you’re giving it ratings one hour every week. Same goes with any Housewives bullshit. Except for Bethany Frankel, they are all garbage. Straight garbage. They are women who don’t deserve to have any type of validation to keep stealing oxygen from the rest of us. Speaking of which, don’t get me started on the Kardashians.

The only crap tv genre I approve of is true crime. It’s not a shock to anyone that I’m a muderina – a true crime obsessed hooker. But that is the right kind of trash tv. Crime affects all people and doesn’t discriminate; black or white, rich or poor, it doesn’t matter who you are or where you’re from, you too could be stabbed 17 times and buried in a shallow grave behind someone’s garage. It gets boring in the Midwest. Why not dismember someone?

And let’s not ignore the feminist aspect of true crime. Sure, we know 1 out of 4 men have the ability to be one French fry short of a Happy Meal and think murdering their girlfriend is easier than ghosting. But there is an amazing amount of true crime television dedicated to women just being badasses and deciding to not take their husband’s shit anymore, and not only that, they don’t want him to inflict his bullshit on anyone else.

But I must digress. Because I wanted to share that there are enough amazing shows that can keep anyone on a couch for days without properly bathing or mingling in society that aren’t freaking Game of Thrones. And I thought I’d let you know which are Cat approved for you to get into straight away because it isn’t getting warmer outside any time soon and no one’s judgment surpasses my own.

Here they are, the only television shows you should be watching.

Main Networks

Good Girls, NBC. I really grappled with this as NBC used to have a solid Thursday lineup reminiscent of when Friends still aired to include The Good Place and Great News. There’s nothing like a good Must See TV triathlon worth watching in real time. But Good Girls has stolen my heart for a few reasons. The three main actresses could not be from more different genres of TV, but flow together like caramel and chocolate. We get a bit of Donna from Parks and Rec (Retta), Joan from Mad Men (Christina Hendricks), and all of the sass from The Duff (Mae Whitman) piled into one show. Ever since Weeds and Breaking Bad, rooting for the ‘anti-hero’ has been a definite audience pleaser, and Good Girls decided to add a feminine aspect to it plus comedic relief, making it genius. It’s basically three women with three different lives all needing money for compelling reasons, and then deciding to rob a grocery store together. They are amateurs, they aren’t the typical female archetypal leads, and they bend the rules on what makes a ‘good mother’.

Runner Up: The Good Place

Anti-Christ: This Is Us. The guy dies due to a CROCK POT malfunction and could Chrissy Metz be more whiney all the fucking time?

Basic Cable

You’re the Worst, FX. Stephen Falk is a brilliant bald man. He’s given us Weeds, Orange Is the New Black, and a little underrated show called You’re the Worst which is impeccably executed with phenomenal writing. What FX show can you think of that made it through FIVE seasons? Exactly. You’re not watching Legion anymore and neither is anyone else. This show is brilliant starting with the pilot. It’s basically the anti-rom com show, with two garbage people meeting at a wedding after cussing out the bride and stealing one of the gifts. Even the sidekicks are funny and wacky enough to give a shit about their character development. It explores the innermost crappiness that we ALL are guilty of feeling at some point, with perfect comedic execution. The writers even tackle clinical depression and PTSD in the most introspective way that feels natural. You can also watch it through Hulu and I urge you to start binging right away as the final season is airing currently.

Runner Up: Drunk History.

Anti-Christ: Anything on TNT.

Netflix

Master of None. Fair warning – I have not yet watched Orange Is the New Black, so this could be changed once I do. I just love the way Master of None has Aziz Ansari running around great places of New York being in what feels like honest relationships complete with realistic ups and downs. Aziz’s comedy specials are always amazing, but in his show he really captures the essence of human vulnerability and tying it into a digital world of dating which is hard to pull off. It’s a series that is not trying too hard to entertain you and thus is genuine. Plus, interracial couples!

Runners Up: Santa Clarita Diet, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Anti-Christ: GLOW

Hulu

Harlots. I love a good period series, and this one takes the cake. It’s about rival brothels in London with women who are sharp-tongued and quick-witted getting through life as ladies of the night while wearing the BEST 18th-century costumes. Painfully honest and showing ACTUAL life as a hooker during that time, it’s a great way to see how women harnessed what little power they had to command the respect of men. Plus, Jessica Brown Findlay is the best and you get to see that Liv Tyler is still alive.

Runner Up: The Mindy Project, The Handmaid’s Tale

Anti-Christ: Light as a Feather. It’s that movie Ouija, but more stupid.

Amazon Prime

Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. I cannot say enough good things about this show. It’s probably my current favorite and is entirely too easy to fall in love with. Amy Sherman Palladino, known for Gilmore Girls, takes the comedic and rhythmic repartee between Lorelai and Rory and applies it to a Jewish woman in the 50s whose husband cheats on her so she gets drunk and accidentally finds out she’s exceptional at stand-up comedy – better than the men, in fact. Though it can get a bit repetitive while binging (which you WILL do because it’s so good), there’s a reason why Rachel Brosnahan keeps bringing home Golden Globes and Emmys. The cast is outstanding, the writing is perfect, Alex Borstein is the sidekick we all need in our lives, and if that doesn’t sell you, the vintage Chanel clothing will make you burn everything in your closet while sobbing.

Runner Up: Homecoming, Transparent

Anti-Christ: Mozart in the Jungle. The male lead is one of my favorites, but damn this series is boring AF.

Golden Globes Winners

Killing Eve. Now, I have to state something that is obvious to EVERYONE except the Hollywood Foreign Press – Sandra Oh is her typical archetype in this movie. She’s basically that doctor from Grey’s Anatomy in this show, but a government agent in the UK with a Polish husband for some reason. But by NO MEANS is she at all the reason to watch this – Jodie Comer is. The show revolves around an employee who works for UK intelligence who has an obsession with female serial killers (Sandra Oh). At the same time, a professional female assassin seems to be going around Europe and bumping off prominent leaders and business people in an insanely well-calculated fashion (Jodie Comer). Soon, she’s aware that Sandra Oh is on a team to track her down and they become mutually obsessed with one another. Oh, and did I mention it also has hints of dark comedy with all the elements of greatness? Jodie Comer’s assassin character for sure steals the show – she’s a complicated psychopath who is bisexual and only keeps champagne in her fridge along with high-end designers like Molly Goddard in her closet and JUST wants someone to watch a damn movie with her after she poisons old, rich Italian creeps.

Runner Up: Pose, Barry

Anti-Christ: Murphy Brown reboot. Candice Burgen wasn’t even good in the original, why the fuck would she get an award for that kind of mediocrity?

British Crap

Poldark. My sister told me to start watching this forever ago based on the boring Winston Graham novels. But my god does Aidan Turner make you want to rethink every man you ever thought was attractive. It’s about a sexy Brit who gets back from the Revolutionary War (spoiler alert – they lost) and finds out his childhood sweetheart is marrying his beloved cousin since everyone thought he was dead. There’s also a funny grandmother who will never be Cousin Violet from Downton, but is entertaining nonetheless. He also is in a continuous feud with some guy he made fun of in high school who can’t just let it the fuck go. He’s basically a rough-around-the-edges do-gooder and minus one questionable non-consent turned consent sex scene, makes you want to pack up your shit and move to Cornwall. And name your daughter Demelza.

Runners Up: Victoria, Versailles

Anti-Christ: Jamestown. No one cares about how shitty and muddy it was in America when we colonized. In fact, it is so boring, not even all the random drama and witchcraft can make this show palatable.


Catherine is a native Detroiter currently residing in Washington D.C. She has seven years of experience in digital marketing strategy and communications. She enjoys the occasional Pop Tart and shamelessly eats breakfast burritos on weekday mornings. Catherine is certified in Google AdWords, SEO, content marketing, social media, and sarcasm. Catherine is also partial to dresses and skirts over pants and has been mistaken for many daytime cable show actresses.

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